Starbucks People
I work at Caribou again. Ironic I know, but it's a job I do well. Believe it or not, I am actually very good at being friendly to strangers. Which gives me a nice talent to use in various service jobs. This rant isn't about how much I hate Caribou though, this rant is about how much I hate people who go to Starbucks, and every once in a while accidentally stumble into Caribou to give me a hard time.
First, about cup sizes. I have only been to Starbucks one time, mostly because I really don't like coffee all that much. (Yes I am aware where I work. I don't need to like manure to shovel it do I?) I think, and please correct me if I am wrong, but Starbucks sizes are "tall, vente, and grande" for small medium or large. Because I only vaguely know this, and not even for sure, people often come in ordering vente, or tall sized Caribou drinks. Well in Caribou country we have the more aptly named "small, medium and large" and I am forced to ask them "Small, medium or large?" in as nice a way as possible. Now this shouldn't be too big of a problem, you would think that eventually I would even get accustomed to people ordering a grande, and then saying large when I ask. But there is an interesting problem. People don't seem to know what size they actually want when they use their dumb-shit zombie lingo. People order tall, and when asked to re-phrase they get a medium, when that should be called a vente in their small brain. Than, twenty minutes later another tall will be re-phrased to large or small. Vente is the same way, vente can be all three sizes! Some people are apologetic: "Sorry! Too much Starbucks LOL!" and some people are rude. Asserting that tall is obviously large, implying that I am just heckling them, when tall is actually Starbuck's smallest size. Somehow they think because I work in the coffee business they have us study on Starbucks regulation sizes (even though they seem to be variable.) Or maybe the want me to assume tall is a small because after all the two words are almost synonyms. Retards. But they wear a suit so they are obviously better than me.
Ok, part two. People come in to Caribou, they order 3-6 drinks (for all their friends back at the office sucking the spare caffeine from their old cardboard cups waiting for their fix.) Then when I am all done ringing them up, and the bar people are well underway making the drinks, and I tell them it will be a couple hundred dollars, they give me a Starbucks card. This totally drives me insane. If you are thinking that it's just an honest mistake, think again. Sure, maybe this isn't their regular stop, and they are used to SB, I understand. However, confusing SB with Caribou is pretty tough considering it's a totally different part of town, a different parking lot, a different sign, a different interior, different uniforms, drink names and sizes. There are a lot of steps along the way to remind them they are not in "Starbucks anymore." I mean do they actually daydream a starbucks logo over the Caribou one, like in the cartoons when the dog is hungry and he sees his friend as a turkey leg? It's like me going to fucking Madison and trying to use my UofM card to get something. Honest mistake? If we are lucky, the poor dumb sap will pay for it with a real credit card, if we are unlucky they simply cancel the order and leave (somehow finding a way to be upset with us, rarely, claiming they will never come back). These are adults I am talking about.
But you know what I love? Starbucks has this drink called the caramel machiato. It's a fancy pants drink that has caramel in it, and whip cream, and more caramel on top. The problem is, a machiato, the way it's supposed to be is espresso with a dab of froth. Yeah for you coffee aficionados that's a real stiff drink. Nothing sweet there. In Caribou that's what you get. Espresso with some milk bubbles. If you want the fancy pants candy drink here; it's called a caramel high-rise. My greatest pleasure is allowing people to order the caramel machiato, and getting the real thing instead of Starbuck's candy drink and seeing the look on their faces. Sure, plenty of people get a real machiato and love it. But you can always tell when it's a Starbucks person because they order like this "Tall caramel machiato, or vente caramel machiato." Then I just smile and ask them what size they really want. Then I watch in silent pleasure as they taste the strongest coffee drink they have every tasted and cringe.
That's what keeps me going.
First, about cup sizes. I have only been to Starbucks one time, mostly because I really don't like coffee all that much. (Yes I am aware where I work. I don't need to like manure to shovel it do I?) I think, and please correct me if I am wrong, but Starbucks sizes are "tall, vente, and grande" for small medium or large. Because I only vaguely know this, and not even for sure, people often come in ordering vente, or tall sized Caribou drinks. Well in Caribou country we have the more aptly named "small, medium and large" and I am forced to ask them "Small, medium or large?" in as nice a way as possible. Now this shouldn't be too big of a problem, you would think that eventually I would even get accustomed to people ordering a grande, and then saying large when I ask. But there is an interesting problem. People don't seem to know what size they actually want when they use their dumb-shit zombie lingo. People order tall, and when asked to re-phrase they get a medium, when that should be called a vente in their small brain. Than, twenty minutes later another tall will be re-phrased to large or small. Vente is the same way, vente can be all three sizes! Some people are apologetic: "Sorry! Too much Starbucks LOL!" and some people are rude. Asserting that tall is obviously large, implying that I am just heckling them, when tall is actually Starbuck's smallest size. Somehow they think because I work in the coffee business they have us study on Starbucks regulation sizes (even though they seem to be variable.) Or maybe the want me to assume tall is a small because after all the two words are almost synonyms. Retards. But they wear a suit so they are obviously better than me.
Ok, part two. People come in to Caribou, they order 3-6 drinks (for all their friends back at the office sucking the spare caffeine from their old cardboard cups waiting for their fix.) Then when I am all done ringing them up, and the bar people are well underway making the drinks, and I tell them it will be a couple hundred dollars, they give me a Starbucks card. This totally drives me insane. If you are thinking that it's just an honest mistake, think again. Sure, maybe this isn't their regular stop, and they are used to SB, I understand. However, confusing SB with Caribou is pretty tough considering it's a totally different part of town, a different parking lot, a different sign, a different interior, different uniforms, drink names and sizes. There are a lot of steps along the way to remind them they are not in "Starbucks anymore." I mean do they actually daydream a starbucks logo over the Caribou one, like in the cartoons when the dog is hungry and he sees his friend as a turkey leg? It's like me going to fucking Madison and trying to use my UofM card to get something. Honest mistake? If we are lucky, the poor dumb sap will pay for it with a real credit card, if we are unlucky they simply cancel the order and leave (somehow finding a way to be upset with us, rarely, claiming they will never come back). These are adults I am talking about.
But you know what I love? Starbucks has this drink called the caramel machiato. It's a fancy pants drink that has caramel in it, and whip cream, and more caramel on top. The problem is, a machiato, the way it's supposed to be is espresso with a dab of froth. Yeah for you coffee aficionados that's a real stiff drink. Nothing sweet there. In Caribou that's what you get. Espresso with some milk bubbles. If you want the fancy pants candy drink here; it's called a caramel high-rise. My greatest pleasure is allowing people to order the caramel machiato, and getting the real thing instead of Starbuck's candy drink and seeing the look on their faces. Sure, plenty of people get a real machiato and love it. But you can always tell when it's a Starbucks person because they order like this "Tall caramel machiato, or vente caramel machiato." Then I just smile and ask them what size they really want. Then I watch in silent pleasure as they taste the strongest coffee drink they have every tasted and cringe.
That's what keeps me going.
posted by VirtualAlex at 1:26 PM
2 Comments:
Lol a caramel machiato is sweet b/c hello? It has caramel on it...the regular machiato is made the same way you said it.... so lol stop being a moron and stop looking for reasons to QQ about SB....
I know this is a really old post but I just had to comment. That also used to be one of my greatest spiteful pleasures: making a real macchiato for someone who was obviously expecting a Starbucks caramel macchiato. It was worth it (even thought I knew I'd probably have to remake the drink) and it was always fun to see if they'd say anything or just leave, completely bewildered.
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