Comcast

I don't know who provides my internet anymore. There have been so many buyouts and trade offs I can't keep track anymore Comcast, Shit-Warner, Road fucking runner I don't even know who it is anymore. Here is what I know, I know they do a terrible fucking job of providing me the service I pay a premium for. Which is, providing me a fucking (high speed) internet connection. I put high speed in parentheses here because, honestly, it seems totally out of reach. At this point, I wouldn't mind have a 56k modem chilling on my desk as a back up system because of how horrifically flaky Shitcast internet is.

Internet is like one of my limbs. I am probably addicted to it, and once internet addiction is a real disorder, I plan on having it. But without internet I can enjoy my other hobbies, like eating and writing rants like this. So I can deal without internet for a while. What pisses me off is when i am in the middle of a DOTA game, or a poker tournament. Tonight for example, I was doing very well in a poker tournament, and I can only assume I have now lost because I have been sitting-out for 2 hours. So today, on top of the monthly payments Cuntcast extorts from me, they also cost me a 20$ tournament buy-in. Although since I was doing fairly well and had a good chance of cashing, they cost me a lot more than that.

Call them you say? Call them? I have called them before, it's always the same story. You want to know what happens when you call them? It goes something like this.

After 45 min of navigating the labyrinthine automated menu system, and being refered to the excellent and user-friendly online FAQ which I can't access I finally get to speak to some whelp.

Comcast fuck: Hello thank you for calling Comcast, can I have—
Alex: Before we even start I want to get something off my chest. I hate you, I hate your fucking blood sucking company who STEAL my money and don't provide the service you promise. I wish I could even threaten to cancel my membership but since you are the only game in town, all I can do is call you and bitch. So fuck you, and please pass this on to your manager: I hope you die. Alright, I am ready to begin.
CF: Can I please have your user number, social security number, invoice number, modem serial number, penis size, and credit card number?
Alex: blah blah blah (I give all the shit they need). Let me guess! Is it time to power-cycle my modem!? Because I am so sure 90% of your fuck ups can be fixed by making me waste my time power cycling my modem. I don't want to power cycle my modem how about that? You know what I want instead?
CF: What is that sir?
Alex: I want you to say "We fucked up, because we are inept here at Comcast. There is a problem and we are working as fast as we can to repair it."
CF: Well is your modem connected to a router?
Alex: Yeah it is, and I know what you are about to say, and I already tried plugging my modem directly to my computer. And yes the modem is working fine all 5 lights are blinking just like they should.
CF: Are you sure your Ethernet cord is in working order?
Alex: yeah I tried three different ones, and the "PC Link" light is always on if the cord is plugged in.
CF: Is it possible that you forgot your password?
Alex: Say it.
CF: We fucked up because we are inept here at Comcast. There is a problem and we are working as fast as we can to repair it.
Alex: Great, I can't wait to pay you my money next month! I am happy you are putting it to good you. Do you want to know what the best dream is I have ever had?
CF: What is that sir?
Alex: It's a dream where I see someone just like me, except they are wearing a Comcast uniform, in their house, tearing their fucking hair out because internet isn't working. I fucking DREAM about you people suffering like me. I hope you all suffer. Have a nice day.
CF: Thank you sir, have a nice day also.

The Gentlemen

This guy came into to Umbria today. He pretty much committed every pet peeve I have in one visit. First he poses the question "You guys don't do a lunch buffet, or an all you can eat buffet or anything like that do you?" Then after I told him that we have EXACTLY that and he should lead a more optimistic lifestyle we asked me if we plan on having cheese pizza on the buffet. It actually made me feel a little bad having to tell him we wont be having cheese pizza on the buffet after he posed the question optimistically "Will you have cheese pizza?" rather than "I suppose you wont be having cheese pizza." It's okay though, pepperoni is boring enough for this gentlemen, so he said it's all good, he will enjoy some pasta and wait for the pizza.

When I was showing him the pastas I already knew he didn't care what I was talking about. This is the kind of guy who eats spaghetti — period. He doesn't care about white sauce, he doesn't like veggies, he is afraid of noodles that are in strange shapes. He wants only spaghetti. As soon as I unveiled the vegetable penne with artichoke hearts and infused olive oil sauce and saw how quickly he averted his eyes from so many colorful vegetables I knew. But just for fun I thought I would toy with him a little bit. I decided to reveal the spaghetti last.

I uncovered the pesto rigatoni with italian sausage and I watched him begin to panic a little. I uncovered the chicken linguini with alfredo sauce, I think he began sweating. If the last container didn't have plain spaghetti, then he pretty much just wasted $10 because his delicate palate can't handle all of the gourmet ingredients in our more luxurious pasta dishes. He is just a simple man with simple tastes. If he can't have his spaghetti his whole lunch is ruined. How can I expect him to actually try something out of his realm of understanding like a dish with "pesto" or "alfredo" sauce?

I revealed the spaghetti and he exhaled deeply. Relief washed over him like a tidal wave crashing on rocks, so powerfully that some of it splashed on me. I began explaining what was in the pastas, and how he sauce is fresh made. He didn't care, he was just staring at the spaghetti thanking the powers that be that he didn't have to go through the embarrassment of asking for a refund because he feels like he is on Romulus and none of the Romulan food is edible.


"I'll have some spaghetti with the red sauce please."

Night (September 29, 2009)

wonders of the world
comfortably from my home
the travel channel

Girls Gone Wild

I watched my 40,000th Girls Gone Wild commercial on Comedy Central when it finally occurred to me. Girls Gone Wild has been around for over 10 years. I remember those commercials playing when I was in high school. Probably even before that! I always hated them. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against women being objectified, or exploited. When the girls are saying stuff on camera like "Hi mom!" and "I really hope I get on Girls Gone Wild WOOOOOOOO" how can you really feel bad?

Here is what I hate. This Girls Gone Wild company is making a fucking KILLING! They have been running commercials from 10pm-2am on MTV and Comedy Central. Although 12-2 is a cheap time, 10-12 on comedy central and MTV is not cheap ad space. Now if I toss a pretty high estimate out and say this company spends 20% of it's gross on advertising... well they are making QUITE a bit of money to be constantly running so much advertising.

How? Why?

They sell DVDs of strip teases. Rarely there is some girl-on-girl play. But for the most part it's just girls flashing the camera on the street and screaming. If I am going to spend money on a boner-inducing DVD then I don't see how I can justify spending money on anything less than real pornography. Girls Gone Wild isn't really even cheaper then porn but in the realm of porn it's practically rated PG. So who is buying this shit?

Which brings me to the next piece of this puzzle. The internet. Are there still people out there who can't efficiently find pornography on the internet? I can find more hardcore porn than Girls Gone Wild while doing legitimate research about the culture of Madagascar via Google, yet people are spending money on it? The "demo" or "preview" of most paying porn sites have more action than the average GGW DVD, and there are still plenty of FREE sites anyway. Who are these people buying this shit!?

How is this product surviving in today's world?

90% of people are morons, as it relates to my job.

I am not sure if I am being arrogant or not. To me all of this is completely common knowledge and only a FUCKING MORON would not understand the concepts I am going to go over inside and out. Granted I work in an Italian Pizzeria, I fully understood all of these concepts at the age of 8 when I was eating Swanson's TV dinners. But I guess I had a privileged upbringing and some other people need some help identifying the more exotic "cuisines" available in the world. So here is a crash course for all you low-lifes.

Lets start from least annoying to most annoying.

There are two main sauces in the pasta world (I don't claim to be some kinda of world-traveling food critic or anything, but discounting infused olive oil based sauces, I think there are two) to laymen they are: the red sauce and the white sauce. Now for me, it's hard to believe people can't name both. But I guess they need some help from me. The red sauce is Marinara sauce (or sometimes bolognese) and the white sauce is Alfredo sauce.

So here is a shocker. Red sauce is not called Spaghetti sauce also Spaghetti is not an umbrella term for all pasta. Every single pasta is called something different. I don't expect you to know them all. However I do expect you to know that Spaghetti is long round strings. That is the ONLY ONE that is called Spaghetti. So if you point to the Penne, and say "I want that spaghetti with the spinach in it" then I am judging you, and looking down on you.

Fettucini and Alfredo are two TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS. Just because they happen to go together often (i.e. Fettucini Alfredo) the names are not interchangeable. When you say something like "I want the alfredo pasta." I can let that slide. Referring to the white sauce when differentiating between the red and the white pasta is fine. It's like saying "That black guy." when pointing someone out in a crowd with only one black guy. It might not be totally acceptable but it gets the point across AS LONG AS YOU ARE REFERRING TO THE COLOR OF THE SAUCE. If I have fettucini noodles with red sauce and you refer to them as the "Alfredo noodles" because you think long flat noodles are fettucini... Well you are a moron (it happens often). Here is what drives me FUCKING MAD. When I hear this, I grit my teeth so hard I am afraid people will hear. "I'll take the spaghetti noodles, with some fettucini sauce on them." FUCK just typing that out nearly gave me a heart attack. You stupid fucks. There is no such thing as fettucini sauce, unless maybe I threw some fettucini noodles in a blender and made a fettucini sauce and dumped it on your fucking stupid tiny head.

The word Calzone is pronounces CAL-ZONE. Yeah, fucking exactly how it is written. No need to get fancy and try to sound worldly by calling a Calzoney. Also it's not a CLAzone. Just fucking read the word. Think O-Zone layer, except Cal-Zone layer. And while I am on it, it's Chip-o-tle not Chip-ol-te.

When you don't know what something is called the most insulting thing to do is to say it right or wrong and then nonchalantly say "or whatever it's called." If you want to know what it's called then ask. Otherwise grow some fucking balls, say it your way with confidence until someone fixes it for you.

Also, before you ask a question like "What is the difference between sweet sausage and spicy sausage." THINK!

Cunt is Not a Typo

My computer thinks the word cunt is a typo.

This is one of those rare cases in which I know my computer is wrong and I am right. Cunt is indeed a word, I can prove it. So I took appropriate action. I right clicked on the word with the intent of adding it to my computers dictionary and highlighted the "learn spelling" command from the dropdown menu—

Then a millisecond before I released the mouse button it hit me. What if I am making a terrible mistake? What if there comes a time when I intend to type the word count, or cut, or maybe even cute and somehow end up typing cunt? If my computer does not underline this word as a typo, and if this document happens to be important, or somehow sensitive, the trouble this typo will cause me might be humorously immense. But nonetheless very frustrating.

And so, I took the pointer off the "learn spelling" command. Now my computer thinks I am really bad at spelling the words cut, count, and cute and will continue to think that for the rest of my life. But at least the one time I make that typo when it matters most, I wont get into any trouble.

Burrito Fucko

Companies, and more specifically brands have five categories of consumer. They are:

The Brand Zealot: This person is the same as the brand loyalist with one very important distinction. He actively tries to make other people choose his brand as well. A walking, free, commercial.
The Loyalist: This consumer will always choose his favorite brand over competition if given the choice, and usually when no choice is given. For example, if a Pepsi man walked into a gas station, and they only sold Coke. He probably not buy it, even though it's convenient. He will drive to a different location to buy Pepsi.
The Neutral: These people either don't have their minds made up about a brand, or don't care enough to create an attachment. These might be people who shop mostly by price, or convenience.
The Rejector: The opposite of the loyalist. This person will actively seek alternatives to his rejected brand.
The Brand Terrorist: The most dangerous of all consumers. This is a person who will never purchase your product, and go out of his way to convince others to join his ranks. The damage a brand terrorist can do to a company is extensive.

So what the big deal? The thing about these categories is, once a person is in one, it's almost impossible to move him the other way. A terrorist will likely not ever become a less dangerous rejector, let alone a loyalist. They are pretty much set in stone, except the neutral. He is the most important person because he is on the fence. The difference between a loyalist and a rejector is extreme, and in time the neutral will probably choose a side. It's important for a company to do everything they can to make neutrals feel good about the brand they represent.

Why am I wasting your time with this? You probably guessed by the title that this is about Burrito Loco. Before last night (02.21.07) I was a "neutral" for mexican fast food. I didn't care if I got Taco Bell, Chipotle, or Burrito Loco. I liked them all fine, and I usually just go to which ever is closest. But last night, I went from neutral, to Burrito Loco brand terrorist. This rant is part of my terrorism.

Lisa and I were hanging out and decided to order some food. Buritto Loco was selected because we felt the Mexican vibe. Ted decided to get in on this as well, and I put in the order (call made at 8:03pm) for two chicken burritos and one shredded pork. The guy tells me it will take 45 minutes. No problem, at 9:08pm the burritos finally arrived. A bit late, but it's ok I can deal with that. I run to my room and open the bags, inside: two burritos and two bags of chips. I pick up the phone.

This is the moment of truth for Burrito Loco. I have worked at McDonalds, I worked at Caribou, I know people make mistakes. Ordered get messed up. I am a little unnerved that my burritos took so long, and one is missing but I am willing to understand. Depending on how they deal with it. I am teetering on the fence, and based on this interaction I will become either a rejector, or be well on my way to loyalist.

Burrito Loco: Hello Burrito Loco
Alex: Hey, I just ordered from you guys and one of my burritos is missing.
BL: You got the check number?
A: (Check receipt) 2416.

What should be done right now, is my entire order should be remade, and re-sent no questions asked. That is how successful fast food companies deal with unhappy customers.

BL: Alright two chickens and one pork? Which one is missing?
A: (Check the burritos. They are vaguely marked "1" and "2." This is something that would have pissed me off even if they didn't fuck my order up. How am I supposed to know who's is who's without taking a bite out of them? Well, "3" seems to be missing, but what is 3? Logic would dictate that since pork was the third thing I said, and it's the third item on the receipt it should probably have been the third item made.) I say, it's probably the pork.
BL: Are you sure?

AM I FUCKING SURE? So try to carefully open one burrito up. I find out it's chicken but not before totally mutilating the poor thing. Then in an attempt to spare the second burrito the mutilation I took a bite out of it, it's pork. That makes sense.

A: One chicken is missing.
BL: Ok we will send a chicken over to you.

Aside from the fact that he is offering absolutely no compensation whatsoever to me. Can you notice what is missing? How about an apology? Can I get a "sorry about that" or any kind of courtesy whatsoever? No.

A: Hey, don't forget to send the chips too. We didn't get those either.
BL: Yeah ok.

I am just in shock right now. Either their policy is totally fucked up, or that one person was a total douche-bag. Unreal. In the mean time, Ted volunteers to be the one without food. Lisa and I eat our burritos. I write a complaint e-mail to the company. It's now 10:00 pm and the third burrito still hasn't arrived. At 10:10 the burrito finally comes. The driver actually does say he is sorry for the inconvenience. Wow finally someone with some fucking compassion. I tell him it's ok, it isn't his fault. I hand the burrito over to Ted. I notice something interesting. He didn't get any chips.

FUCKING WOW

I am so pissed of at this point I could shoot bullets out of my ass. I decided to let the manager know how totally fucked this situation has been. He answered, I explain to him in a stern yet none offensive tone everything that has happened.

As a customer I have been totally abused. If I ordered from Jimmy John's I would have gotten the correct order, in fifteen minutes or less. If this kind of thing happened at Caribou, and he let my manager know, he would get his next three drinks for free on top of the refund for his fucked up order. At McDonalds he would have AT LEAST gotten a refund. What does this fuck-face say to me?

Manager: Yes, that is unacceptable. I am not even sure what to say to you sir.

Well I got a few ideas dumbfuck. An APOLOGY WOULD BE FUCKING NICE! A refund would be nice! A free burrito coupon would be nice! Do you even fucking care about your business? Do you know how easy it is for me to just not ever eat at Burrito Loco again? It's really easy.

Do you have any idea what you have unleashed in me? I fucking promise! I PLEDGE that I will convince AT LEAST ten people to not ever eat at Burrito Loco again. I will DEVOTE my life to making you lose customers. I will leave donations to your competition in my FUCKING WILL! So even after I am dead I will still be hurting your business. You better hope I don't have children because I will instill this same passion to destroy you into them. My crusade will live on with my decendants as long as my bloodline exists. You motherfucker.

Alex: You don't need to say anything. Goodnight.

Let the brand terrorism begin.

Starbucks People

I work at Caribou again. Ironic I know, but it's a job I do well. Believe it or not, I am actually very good at being friendly to strangers. Which gives me a nice talent to use in various service jobs. This rant isn't about how much I hate Caribou though, this rant is about how much I hate people who go to Starbucks, and every once in a while accidentally stumble into Caribou to give me a hard time.

First, about cup sizes. I have only been to Starbucks one time, mostly because I really don't like coffee all that much. (Yes I am aware where I work. I don't need to like manure to shovel it do I?) I think, and please correct me if I am wrong, but Starbucks sizes are "tall, vente, and grande" for small medium or large. Because I only vaguely know this, and not even for sure, people often come in ordering vente, or tall sized Caribou drinks. Well in Caribou country we have the more aptly named "small, medium and large" and I am forced to ask them "Small, medium or large?" in as nice a way as possible. Now this shouldn't be too big of a problem, you would think that eventually I would even get accustomed to people ordering a grande, and then saying large when I ask. But there is an interesting problem. People don't seem to know what size they actually want when they use their dumb-shit zombie lingo. People order tall, and when asked to re-phrase they get a medium, when that should be called a vente in their small brain. Than, twenty minutes later another tall will be re-phrased to large or small. Vente is the same way, vente can be all three sizes! Some people are apologetic: "Sorry! Too much Starbucks LOL!" and some people are rude. Asserting that tall is obviously large, implying that I am just heckling them, when tall is actually Starbuck's smallest size. Somehow they think because I work in the coffee business they have us study on Starbucks regulation sizes (even though they seem to be variable.) Or maybe the want me to assume tall is a small because after all the two words are almost synonyms. Retards. But they wear a suit so they are obviously better than me.

Ok, part two. People come in to Caribou, they order 3-6 drinks (for all their friends back at the office sucking the spare caffeine from their old cardboard cups waiting for their fix.) Then when I am all done ringing them up, and the bar people are well underway making the drinks, and I tell them it will be a couple hundred dollars, they give me a Starbucks card. This totally drives me insane. If you are thinking that it's just an honest mistake, think again. Sure, maybe this isn't their regular stop, and they are used to SB, I understand. However, confusing SB with Caribou is pretty tough considering it's a totally different part of town, a different parking lot, a different sign, a different interior, different uniforms, drink names and sizes. There are a lot of steps along the way to remind them they are not in "Starbucks anymore." I mean do they actually daydream a starbucks logo over the Caribou one, like in the cartoons when the dog is hungry and he sees his friend as a turkey leg? It's like me going to fucking Madison and trying to use my UofM card to get something. Honest mistake? If we are lucky, the poor dumb sap will pay for it with a real credit card, if we are unlucky they simply cancel the order and leave (somehow finding a way to be upset with us, rarely, claiming they will never come back). These are adults I am talking about.

But you know what I love? Starbucks has this drink called the caramel machiato. It's a fancy pants drink that has caramel in it, and whip cream, and more caramel on top. The problem is, a machiato, the way it's supposed to be is espresso with a dab of froth. Yeah for you coffee aficionados that's a real stiff drink. Nothing sweet there. In Caribou that's what you get. Espresso with some milk bubbles. If you want the fancy pants candy drink here; it's called a caramel high-rise. My greatest pleasure is allowing people to order the caramel machiato, and getting the real thing instead of Starbuck's candy drink and seeing the look on their faces. Sure, plenty of people get a real machiato and love it. But you can always tell when it's a Starbucks person because they order like this "Tall caramel machiato, or vente caramel machiato." Then I just smile and ask them what size they really want. Then I watch in silent pleasure as they taste the strongest coffee drink they have every tasted and cringe.

That's what keeps me going.

Croc Hunter

It looks like people are "taking revenge" on stingrays because of the Croc Hunters unfortunate death.

Yahoo news story

This makes me ashamed to be a human being. How can people be so thickheaded, it's awe inspiring. If we could somehow harness this stupidity and use it for energy, all of our oil problems would be solved. Yeah, I am violently against cruelty to animals, so my opinion on this might be biased, but let me try to convince you.

Steve Irwin loved animals. All he ever did is talk about how they are beautiful creatures, and never try to hurt him out of spite or malice. They are only scared, or defending themselves when they attack him. He spent his life saving, and helping animals in need, and donated heavily to animal aid foundations. Murdering animals to get revenge for his unfortunate death is an insult to everything he stood for. Having a story like this associated to Irwin is an insult to his memory.

At the beginning of every show Irwin talked about how dangerous what he does is. He said he could die at any moment. He explained in great detail how quickly a crocodile could crush his head, how fast the snakes venom would paralyze and kill him, and how a stingrays tail works. He knew the risks, and he made his show anyway. You cannot blame the stingray for stinging him. It's called a STING-ray. They don't like to be touched by humans, the poor animal was scared and did the only thing it knows how to do, sting. It was self-defense. It didn't know what this guy was doing, or thought he was trying to eat it. How can you blame it for that?

Finally, even if this particular sting ray was "evil" and wanted to murder Irwin. I hope it's clear why punishing a whole species for the "crimes" of one being is immoral. This stingray might have been a "bad seed" or "black sheep" of the stingray species. Killing this stingrays family and friends doesn't solve or help anyone. Except for maybe ruin the ecosystem, if you're lucky.

People need to be stopped. Every day it gets worse.