Night (September 29, 2009)

wonders of the world
comfortably from my home
the travel channel

Girls Gone Wild

I watched my 40,000th Girls Gone Wild commercial on Comedy Central when it finally occurred to me. Girls Gone Wild has been around for over 10 years. I remember those commercials playing when I was in high school. Probably even before that! I always hated them. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against women being objectified, or exploited. When the girls are saying stuff on camera like "Hi mom!" and "I really hope I get on Girls Gone Wild WOOOOOOOO" how can you really feel bad?

Here is what I hate. This Girls Gone Wild company is making a fucking KILLING! They have been running commercials from 10pm-2am on MTV and Comedy Central. Although 12-2 is a cheap time, 10-12 on comedy central and MTV is not cheap ad space. Now if I toss a pretty high estimate out and say this company spends 20% of it's gross on advertising... well they are making QUITE a bit of money to be constantly running so much advertising.

How? Why?

They sell DVDs of strip teases. Rarely there is some girl-on-girl play. But for the most part it's just girls flashing the camera on the street and screaming. If I am going to spend money on a boner-inducing DVD then I don't see how I can justify spending money on anything less than real pornography. Girls Gone Wild isn't really even cheaper then porn but in the realm of porn it's practically rated PG. So who is buying this shit?

Which brings me to the next piece of this puzzle. The internet. Are there still people out there who can't efficiently find pornography on the internet? I can find more hardcore porn than Girls Gone Wild while doing legitimate research about the culture of Madagascar via Google, yet people are spending money on it? The "demo" or "preview" of most paying porn sites have more action than the average GGW DVD, and there are still plenty of FREE sites anyway. Who are these people buying this shit!?

How is this product surviving in today's world?

90% of people are morons, as it relates to my job.

I am not sure if I am being arrogant or not. To me all of this is completely common knowledge and only a FUCKING MORON would not understand the concepts I am going to go over inside and out. Granted I work in an Italian Pizzeria, I fully understood all of these concepts at the age of 8 when I was eating Swanson's TV dinners. But I guess I had a privileged upbringing and some other people need some help identifying the more exotic "cuisines" available in the world. So here is a crash course for all you low-lifes.

Lets start from least annoying to most annoying.

There are two main sauces in the pasta world (I don't claim to be some kinda of world-traveling food critic or anything, but discounting infused olive oil based sauces, I think there are two) to laymen they are: the red sauce and the white sauce. Now for me, it's hard to believe people can't name both. But I guess they need some help from me. The red sauce is Marinara sauce (or sometimes bolognese) and the white sauce is Alfredo sauce.

So here is a shocker. Red sauce is not called Spaghetti sauce also Spaghetti is not an umbrella term for all pasta. Every single pasta is called something different. I don't expect you to know them all. However I do expect you to know that Spaghetti is long round strings. That is the ONLY ONE that is called Spaghetti. So if you point to the Penne, and say "I want that spaghetti with the spinach in it" then I am judging you, and looking down on you.

Fettucini and Alfredo are two TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS. Just because they happen to go together often (i.e. Fettucini Alfredo) the names are not interchangeable. When you say something like "I want the alfredo pasta." I can let that slide. Referring to the white sauce when differentiating between the red and the white pasta is fine. It's like saying "That black guy." when pointing someone out in a crowd with only one black guy. It might not be totally acceptable but it gets the point across AS LONG AS YOU ARE REFERRING TO THE COLOR OF THE SAUCE. If I have fettucini noodles with red sauce and you refer to them as the "Alfredo noodles" because you think long flat noodles are fettucini... Well you are a moron (it happens often). Here is what drives me FUCKING MAD. When I hear this, I grit my teeth so hard I am afraid people will hear. "I'll take the spaghetti noodles, with some fettucini sauce on them." FUCK just typing that out nearly gave me a heart attack. You stupid fucks. There is no such thing as fettucini sauce, unless maybe I threw some fettucini noodles in a blender and made a fettucini sauce and dumped it on your fucking stupid tiny head.

The word Calzone is pronounces CAL-ZONE. Yeah, fucking exactly how it is written. No need to get fancy and try to sound worldly by calling a Calzoney. Also it's not a CLAzone. Just fucking read the word. Think O-Zone layer, except Cal-Zone layer. And while I am on it, it's Chip-o-tle not Chip-ol-te.

When you don't know what something is called the most insulting thing to do is to say it right or wrong and then nonchalantly say "or whatever it's called." If you want to know what it's called then ask. Otherwise grow some fucking balls, say it your way with confidence until someone fixes it for you.

Also, before you ask a question like "What is the difference between sweet sausage and spicy sausage." THINK!