Comcast

I don't know who provides my internet anymore. There have been so many buyouts and trade offs I can't keep track anymore Comcast, Shit-Warner, Road fucking runner I don't even know who it is anymore. Here is what I know, I know they do a terrible fucking job of providing me the service I pay a premium for. Which is, providing me a fucking (high speed) internet connection. I put high speed in parentheses here because, honestly, it seems totally out of reach. At this point, I wouldn't mind have a 56k modem chilling on my desk as a back up system because of how horrifically flaky Shitcast internet is.

Internet is like one of my limbs. I am probably addicted to it, and once internet addiction is a real disorder, I plan on having it. But without internet I can enjoy my other hobbies, like eating and writing rants like this. So I can deal without internet for a while. What pisses me off is when i am in the middle of a DOTA game, or a poker tournament. Tonight for example, I was doing very well in a poker tournament, and I can only assume I have now lost because I have been sitting-out for 2 hours. So today, on top of the monthly payments Cuntcast extorts from me, they also cost me a 20$ tournament buy-in. Although since I was doing fairly well and had a good chance of cashing, they cost me a lot more than that.

Call them you say? Call them? I have called them before, it's always the same story. You want to know what happens when you call them? It goes something like this.

After 45 min of navigating the labyrinthine automated menu system, and being refered to the excellent and user-friendly online FAQ which I can't access I finally get to speak to some whelp.

Comcast fuck: Hello thank you for calling Comcast, can I have—
Alex: Before we even start I want to get something off my chest. I hate you, I hate your fucking blood sucking company who STEAL my money and don't provide the service you promise. I wish I could even threaten to cancel my membership but since you are the only game in town, all I can do is call you and bitch. So fuck you, and please pass this on to your manager: I hope you die. Alright, I am ready to begin.
CF: Can I please have your user number, social security number, invoice number, modem serial number, penis size, and credit card number?
Alex: blah blah blah (I give all the shit they need). Let me guess! Is it time to power-cycle my modem!? Because I am so sure 90% of your fuck ups can be fixed by making me waste my time power cycling my modem. I don't want to power cycle my modem how about that? You know what I want instead?
CF: What is that sir?
Alex: I want you to say "We fucked up, because we are inept here at Comcast. There is a problem and we are working as fast as we can to repair it."
CF: Well is your modem connected to a router?
Alex: Yeah it is, and I know what you are about to say, and I already tried plugging my modem directly to my computer. And yes the modem is working fine all 5 lights are blinking just like they should.
CF: Are you sure your Ethernet cord is in working order?
Alex: yeah I tried three different ones, and the "PC Link" light is always on if the cord is plugged in.
CF: Is it possible that you forgot your password?
Alex: Say it.
CF: We fucked up because we are inept here at Comcast. There is a problem and we are working as fast as we can to repair it.
Alex: Great, I can't wait to pay you my money next month! I am happy you are putting it to good you. Do you want to know what the best dream is I have ever had?
CF: What is that sir?
Alex: It's a dream where I see someone just like me, except they are wearing a Comcast uniform, in their house, tearing their fucking hair out because internet isn't working. I fucking DREAM about you people suffering like me. I hope you all suffer. Have a nice day.
CF: Thank you sir, have a nice day also.

The Gentlemen

This guy came into to Umbria today. He pretty much committed every pet peeve I have in one visit. First he poses the question "You guys don't do a lunch buffet, or an all you can eat buffet or anything like that do you?" Then after I told him that we have EXACTLY that and he should lead a more optimistic lifestyle we asked me if we plan on having cheese pizza on the buffet. It actually made me feel a little bad having to tell him we wont be having cheese pizza on the buffet after he posed the question optimistically "Will you have cheese pizza?" rather than "I suppose you wont be having cheese pizza." It's okay though, pepperoni is boring enough for this gentlemen, so he said it's all good, he will enjoy some pasta and wait for the pizza.

When I was showing him the pastas I already knew he didn't care what I was talking about. This is the kind of guy who eats spaghetti — period. He doesn't care about white sauce, he doesn't like veggies, he is afraid of noodles that are in strange shapes. He wants only spaghetti. As soon as I unveiled the vegetable penne with artichoke hearts and infused olive oil sauce and saw how quickly he averted his eyes from so many colorful vegetables I knew. But just for fun I thought I would toy with him a little bit. I decided to reveal the spaghetti last.

I uncovered the pesto rigatoni with italian sausage and I watched him begin to panic a little. I uncovered the chicken linguini with alfredo sauce, I think he began sweating. If the last container didn't have plain spaghetti, then he pretty much just wasted $10 because his delicate palate can't handle all of the gourmet ingredients in our more luxurious pasta dishes. He is just a simple man with simple tastes. If he can't have his spaghetti his whole lunch is ruined. How can I expect him to actually try something out of his realm of understanding like a dish with "pesto" or "alfredo" sauce?

I revealed the spaghetti and he exhaled deeply. Relief washed over him like a tidal wave crashing on rocks, so powerfully that some of it splashed on me. I began explaining what was in the pastas, and how he sauce is fresh made. He didn't care, he was just staring at the spaghetti thanking the powers that be that he didn't have to go through the embarrassment of asking for a refund because he feels like he is on Romulus and none of the Romulan food is edible.


"I'll have some spaghetti with the red sauce please."